Im at strip club and am horny
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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