If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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