did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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