Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
