I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
