The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
