i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
