So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
