Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
