at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Farmville is her only friend.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
