my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
