hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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