So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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