i need an iv and a liver transplant
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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