nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
