o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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