No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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