I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
