Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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