I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
