a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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