just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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