Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
