i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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