I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
