A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
