the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
