We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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