i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
