Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
