everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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