never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
