so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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