I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
