6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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