btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
