Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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