I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
