ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I am morally bankrupt
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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