You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drunk is a universal language darling
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
