I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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