Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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