If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
