im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
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