I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I touched a dick in church today
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
