Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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