those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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