and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
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i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
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I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.