So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
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I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off