At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
