Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
