Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
