I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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