I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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