theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
