the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
