Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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