Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
