apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
