I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
