Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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