Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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