I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
