If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
