My liver just broke up with me...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
