Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
