Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
