I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
