I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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