Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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